for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
