would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
