I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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