He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
