I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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