I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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