I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
