Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
