Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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