so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
