Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
They have beer where we have blood.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
