why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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