On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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