Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
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I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
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Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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