you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Sorry about my life...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
