She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
