I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Randomize
