what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
