I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
