WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
where does the pee come out of this thing
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
