Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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