and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
