Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
