So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
