Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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