Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
