I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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