I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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