Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
