I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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