I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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