On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he fucked my hip out of place.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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