My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
