I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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