ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
