She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
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