No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
