Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
