weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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