do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
not ubering you a puppy
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
