The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
