Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
