I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
