I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
