Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My hand turned me down
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
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"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
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Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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