when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
