I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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