Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
