I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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