I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
