I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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