Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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