member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
