My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
