I just saw a hot homeless man
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
