I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I cockslap morals
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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