don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
