I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
