She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
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