He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
