When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
