I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
